10 Key Things to Understand About Infidelity That Will Bring You Peace

I cheated on my husband. Then he revenge cheated on me. Disaster! This happened over a decade ago 2005, to be exact, and it changed the trajectory of my whole life. One decision, the domino that set in motion the most agonizing, growth expansive journey of my adult life. What I learned about myself, and my now ex-husband has led me to the work I do as a Certified Professional Love Life Coach. My mission is simply to help people avoid the pitfalls that lead to divorce, heal from infidelity, get to the root of what caused the cheating in the first place and speed up their healing and evolution. That being said, here are 10 key things to understand about infidelity that will bring you peace.

  1. Cheating is not about you, it’s about them.

Nothing fires up the ego more than being triggered into feeling as if we’re not enough and cheating does this in a massive way. It’s painful. We are either operating out of ego and fear or love and faith. Discovering cheating rarely results in the person who was cheated on to lovingly ask their cheating partner why they suffer. They don’t assume all responsibility and ask themselves, what is it in me that attracted and inspired this. It is all ego. It’s pure fight or flight mode. Sometimes people are so shell shocked by the news of the cheating that they get numb. They don’t even know how to respond to it.

The key thing to understand about infidelity is that they cheat because they don’t love themselves. Period. Think about it. Would a self loving person subject themselves to the drama and chaos that comes with an affair? There’s the lying the guilt, the anxiety, the inner self talk. No self loving person would deal with this. They would simply know how to problem solve with their partner. They would know how to exist in a relationship because they would be fully responsible for their happiness.

So please know that your ego is crushed, you feel terrible because what your inner being knows to be true about the cheater is misaligned with what your ego things.

Ego thinks ouch, they suck, they hate me, they hurt me and Inner Being thinks, they are hurt and broken and they don’t know they are pure love at the core. Negative emotion is always a sign of misalignment with Source energy… God Force that, when tapped, makes us all badasses.

2. They cheated because they were seeking something external to soothe them or fill them up.

When people were raised by narcissists and/or emotionally distant people, were left in the care of drug or alcohol users who were too high to give a damn about them, they develop survival mechanisms as kids that remain with them as adults. They learn to stay out of the way, to be quiet, to not ask for anything, to not cry, to keep to themselves, to be perfect, to excel, to fail, to push buttons, whatever ways they chose to cope with not getting the emotional nourishment they needed.

Once they begin to enter relationships all of that stuff plays out.

We all attract the very people to help us soothe the very things we went through as kids.

3. You attracted this mess. (Oh no she d’int.)

My coaching is designed to help people transform. It requires people to remove bad programming (lies they were taught as kids) and install all new beliefs. It blends in The Law of Attraction which states “that which is likened to itself is drawn.” In other words, whatever we pay attention to, good or bad, we can potentially create. This is law. It’s rooted in quantum physics, Einstein and the notion that thoughts have energy.

So if you were often worried that your partner would cheat on you, and that was a dominant vibration within you, then the universe lined up infidelity. If either one of you started to focus more on what’s wrong with the relationship than being grateful for one another pointing out what you love, respect and admire about each other, then a whole slew of awfulness will come.

If your parents cheated and you had doubts about people being faithful in relationships, if your past partner cheated, if there was a theme of cheating or a fear of it, then you were a vibrational match to cheating. This is why you would manifest cheating. It is law. It sucks but that’s how it works. I know this whole article was supposed to make you feel better. Hang on… It’s coming.

The power is that we can create with our minds. So this means when we ask for help. When we turn to Source, or God or Divine Spirit, whatever you choose to call it and say, “this totally sucks, I’m really down on my knees here. Please show me the path out of this and I will walk it with grace and trust,” you start to co-create with the divine who loves you no matter what.

When you start focusing on your peace, peace washes over you. Pray. Pray simply to be guided.

4. A relationship without divine spirit is dead in the water.

So back when I was married 1998-2015, I longed for a spiritual connection with my husband. Where I went wrong was I should have been focused on cultivating a spiritual connection within myself and God.

Back then I would try to explain to my husband that religion and God are two different things. My ex-husband went to Catholic School until 8th grade and had all sorts of resentment and confusion about God. He questioned God’s existence. He couldn’t see God. This would frustrate me to no end. He’d see me reading The Secret and then would argue it without even reading it himself. Talk about stubborn Italian ooooofa!!

The one thing I learned about my journey is that God is at the wheel. God is the owner of my business, I simply work for God. The more I turn to God when afraid, the more miracles I’m blessed with and God comes through every time (to the degree by which I allow it in.) You have to look for God in the little less obvious places so God brings in the big guns.

God needs to be part of YOU and then part of the relationship. If it’s not, you basically are rolling pure ego and fear and little if any faith and love.

Do you set the alarm clock 15 minutes earlier to just lay there and pray with your partner? Try it. Do you jump out of bed and flick on the TV news, get ready for work and rush out. Or… do you set time aside to lay still breathe and express gratitude for all you have? You want to get yourself out of this awful shit pit you’re in? Pray! Hardcore pray and learn how to pray. Check out A Course in Miracles. I study it and use it in my coaching practice. It’s what Gabrielle Bernstein studied from her mentor Marianne Williamson (yes the spiritual teacher who, bless her heart, wants to become President of the United States to elevate human consciousness).

When we leave God out of our marriages and partnerships (and businesses) then we’re bopping around, pretty much lost. This blog is being written because God assigned it. I asked, “God what do the people need to hear from me.” Then BAM! God said, “Lis be authentic, I love you. Share your truth. Infidelity has a lot of my children suffering and my child, you went through some shit.”

God doesn’t care that you may have left him out of your relationship for years. Invite him in now that the shit has hit the fan. God is like the ultimate relief pitcher of life. You just have to make the call to the bullpen and put him in the game. It’s a guaranteed win!

The fact that you found this blog is proof God has your back. I mean think about it. You were on social media or in some Facebook Group or Googling or YouTubing around and out of nowhere BAM you connected with me and followed your inner nudging (God) to read this article. You are powerful. God is powerful and with God all things are possible. So right now just pray for peace. Pray to see this mess another way. Pray for the right teacher, the right message and trust me on this when you ask with an openness to receive, what you need is served up and… hello goosebumps, you know it when you see it just like you knew to read this.

5. It’s ok and normal to feel like a failure and totally embarrassed by the infidelity.

So unless you’re dealing with a straight up, full blown narcissist who lacks empathy and will do everything possible to justify their cheating fault you for it making you feel like it was your fault they cheated; (more on this in 20 seconds), both the cheater and the “victim,” will feel like a failure, embarrassed by the whole thing.

In fact some couples say that in a weird way they were bonded by their secret of dysfunction. It was like the only thing they agreed on was not to tell the family.

You’ll also feel confused and embarrassed for still loving them and wanting to work it out. Don’t feel badly for having compassion and optimism. If you are able to handle your ego and from a place of love and faith seek understanding knowing your beloved has to be in a really bad mindset to choose to be unfaithful, then seek support and try to save your marriage (or partnership).

6. It is possible that your partner is a narcissist (or has plenty of narcissistic traits) which takes things to a whole other level of crazy.

Ok so narcissism has become quite the buzzword and if you want to really study it, which will help you heal, I suggest the book Malignant Self Love, Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin. This dude Sam is the best in the world in the study of narcissism. He was one, says he on some levels still is one and brilliantly shares all the twisted deep characteristics of this insidious yet so so sad type of self loathing person.

Your narcissistic partner needs what is called narcissistic supply. Think of it as their food. If they don’t get food, they die. Problem is, they never get full. They were abused as children, perhaps raised by narcissistic parents, were neglected, used as pawns and were loved conditionally. So they feed on attention, validation and they created this whole fake self that they have to feed constantly. They suck the life out of anyone they can.

Narcissists weren’t taught how to love themselves and others. They’re incredibly cunning and predatory. They match up well with people who so desperately want love and approval and seek it outside of themselves, codependents. They swoon in with compliments and gifts and attention and make you feel like you’re on top of the world. Then, they get you attached and little by little you lose yourself. What they present is fake. You’re in too deep not to believe it and that’s the trap.

The only way to deal with these people is to go No Contact. This means block them out of your life. It’s hard to do when kids are involved and they’ll use the kids as pawns so get ready and get support. Divorcing a narcissist is a whole other level of battle. You’ll need a DREAM TEAM of support. From coaches like me, mediation, hypnotherapy, acupuncture, Reiki, Soul Cycle, Zumba, you name it, if it’s constructive, healthy and soothing you’ll want to do it.

The problem with the codependent narcissistic dynamic and infidelity is the mind game of it. They will fault you for taking too long to “get over it” accuse you for “living in the past.” They hurt you and then want to dictate how long you get to heal.

7. Your commitment to healing will change your vibrational frequency no longer making you a match to narcissists again.

I know people who while married to the cheating narcissist, committed fully to their spiritual healing and well being. They were broke and broken and dependent on their spouse for money and they went on YouTube and Google and gobbled up first all they can find on narcissism and narcissistic abuse for free.

When I had a collision with a narcissist after I foolishly entered a rebound relationship while getting divorced, I was rattled to my core when I was discarded. I immediately started Googling and YouTubing my way to healing.

There’s a shift that has to happen from understanding (and obsessing) over the narcopoop, to committing to our own healing asking the very profound question, “what is it in me that attracted the narcissist to begin with?”

Once that powerful question is asked, then starts the Inner Bonding (inner child, reparenting) process. This is when the real healing takes place.

I did all of this during my healing process. In doing so I raised my vibe.

You can do this too and that little narcissist flea will not mess with you. They’ll try but you’ll be 20 steps ahead and will see them tiny and pathetic. You’ll start to pity them and that’s when you’re free. When you look at the enemy and think, oh you poor, scared, little thing.

Yes you can hire a coach, like me, who went through all of this on both sides of the coin (cheated been cheated on), with real life wisdom who will help you reduce 3 years of healing to 90 days or, you can hit the web, the local library and load up on self help aimlessly searching for the antidote to the pain. You’ll get there but it will take longer and well, the more tears you cry and the more sleep you lose and the more that pit in your stomach becomes the norm the more likely you are to get really sick.

8. When you truly heal, you’ll radically change how you show up in relationships. You won’t attract a cheater again.

The biggest fear that comes with infidelity (especially when there’s narcissistic abuse), is that another one will come along and do much worse. The thinking is better the devil you know. Uhhh.. NOOOO!! Better you on your own, healing and elevating your vibrational frequency. Understand that your mind is FREE. You may feel trapped, like there’s no way out. They cheated and you think you can’t leave. Use your mind, be resourceful and heal like your life depends on it because it does.

This healing process will connect you so deeply and profoundly to yourself and your faith that you will be transformed. All of your relationships will shift. Read the books, do the seminars, go to the workshops, hire the coach. Do whatever it takes to feel better as fast as possible. Begin NOW!

You’ll get to a place of pure wisdom. You will know what the enemy breathes like. You’ll be able to sniff them out a mile away and like a true narco slayer you will exude an energy that repels narcissists.

9. You will love yourself more than ever, rebuild your life, and thrive.

Lookie here my friend, the deeper the shit pit, the greater the glory when you dig yourself out of the shit pit.

You’ve been through the worst of the worst. Something will switch in you and you’ll just decide to love yourself first, most, best and always and that will be that. I promise you. Your breakthrough is coming and then there will be another and another.

You’ll finally get that your worthiness doesn’t come from another mortal but from God direct and knowing you’re unconditionally loved no matter what helps you handle that inner 5 year old version of yourself who now feels safe and cared for and loved.

10. You will attract a great person who will love you…

and… if you’re still co-parenting with the ex narcopoop you and the new person in your life will team up and slay them. You will master setting and maintaining healthy boundaries and even will teach your kids how to navigate the manipulation. You’ll create and maintain a beautiful peaceful life surrounded with the forcefield that you can count on to keep the narcissist out for good; unconditional love of yourself.

Lisa Concepcion