How Get Over Your Dating Anxiety and Put and End to the Neediness
This has got to be the most common issue I get from my single clients. Let me describe these lovely women. They are typically between 27 and 50 (sometimes older), they do well for themselves professionally. They’re smart, attractive and when it comes to dating, they feel totally out of control and it makes them anxious…really anxious. They desperately want to get over their dating anxiety and put an end to the neediness that often drives men away.
First, some deeper understanding.
Dating anxiety is common for codependents.
I’m a “cured codependent.” After my divorce in 2015, I did loads of self work, amped up the self love, got deeply connected to Source Energy (aka God) and finally learned, reprogrammed my brain actually; to know that I am worthy and no longer need to prove my worthiness to anyone. That said, there was a time where when I wasn’t in a relationship, I felt lost.
From age 16 to 44 i was either someone’s girlfriend, fiancée or wife. While separated, my dating energy was full on desperation. Despite the fact that I would much rather of not dated at all and instead reconciled my marriage, my husband at the time was inconsistent and non communicative. Every time we would get close he’d pull away. It was confusing and awful. So I dated to hopefully find someone else to fill me up, to make me feel loved and safe.
I was on this mission to line up my next guy. I dated with such an attachment to the outcome that every date was ridden with anxiety, despite how cool I came across. I wasn’t even divorced. I was in limbo.
I would overthink everything my then husband did and said. It was so confusing which made me anxious. I’d take that anxiety, bury it, go on dates and after the dates were over, I would check my phone and agonize, get angry and frustrated when text banter wouldn’t lead to another date. I now know that dating is all energy and back then mine was a very needy, desperate, anxious energy.
I was still in love with my husband, wanting to work it out and build something entirely new but clueless how. I felt rejected, unloved and worthless.
The lack of self worth, regardless of where it comes from; is what makes women date with anxiety. There’s no ease and flow. It turns men off. It repels they very thing they want the most.
Why are so many attractive, self-reliant women so anxious when dating and relationships?
There are plenty of reasons. Many worry they will be alone and miss out on having children. Many simply want companionship and are tired of eating dinner alone standing over the kitchen sink. They’re tired of spending yet another Saturday night in sweats, no make-up watching Netflix and chilling solo because they lack the network of close girlfriends they can to make plans with. So the second a guy shows any interest, they think, this one has got to work out.
Welcome to future thinking and self-imposed pressure which causes anxiety.
Overthinking fuels dating anxiety with added pressure to be valuable.
When women are very attached to the outcome of being in a relationship, they often find themselves in this anxiety ridden obsessive thinking. They re-read texts several times. They anxiously wonder if they should send a text and then stress out over what to say. There’s no ease and flow. No magnetic feminine energy that draws men in and makes them pursue the woman. Ladies who struggle with dating anxiety often tell me they start off good but then once they “catch feelings” or like the guy, then they get all needy and insecure. Some even allow their thoughts to put them into sadness and depression when they don’t hear back from a guy quick enough.
Then there’s the social media stalking. Oh yes, that.
Dating anxiety is heightened by social media.
You date a guy then start to look at their social media and if there’s a photo with other women, forget it, here comes the anxiety. One woman I coached got an upset stomach after the guy she went on 4 dates with didn’t reply to her text yet, posted on his Instagram and liked one of her photos. “What the hell, he has time to screw around on social media and like a picture of mine? I want him to like ME!!!!”
Getting to the root of the hurt little girl inside is the way to heal dating anxiety.
Most of the work I do with my clients deals with the parts of us that remain tied to childhood hurts and traumas. We have perceptions of our childhoods and when we have these unresolved issues, we look to replay them in our relationships. We create patterns. We date people who purposely trigger us. Instead of looking at the trigger and healing whatever is coming up, we blame the other person, try to get them to change, prove we are good and worthy and on and on it goes.
Once we get to the root of the old feelings of neglect, unworthiness, loneliness and insecurity that were programmed in us as young kids, and transform them by learning to soothe, nurture and love that younger self that still exists inside us; we finally approach dating as secure, fun mature women with the very feminine strength men find sexy, confident and irresistible.
Self love is the cure for dating anxiety.
The more we love ourselves, the less we require anyone else to. When we love ourselves and decide to be in charge of our own happiness we’re able to welcome in love and give love but we aren’t without the attachment to the outcome of being in a relationship. We want to share our body, mind and soul with someone but don’t need to in order to feel worthwhile, happy and calm. The less anxious we are when dating, the more alluring and captivating we become to men. The relaxed open energy leans back inviting the man to lean in. Not the other way around.
If you find yourself anxious about dating, relationships and struggle to get out of your own way, it’s time to get out of your head, fear and ego and into your heart by tuning into faith and love. Commit fully to your personal betterment, well being and go all in on healing old wounds and making peace with past hurts.
You’ll emerge stronger, more confident and calmer. You’ll date with ease knowing what you want and how to determine if they’re it. You’ll know what to say and how and you’ll end the date, graciously thanking them for a great evening knowing they’ll probably text you the second they get home and if not the next day. You won’t be anxious. You’ll go take off your make-up, brush the teeth, climb into bed mute the phone and drift off to sleep, peacefully. Ahhh…