Why Do Women Put Men in the Friendzone

The other day I was speaking to a man who found me via Twitter and was considering hiring a coach to help him understand what he is doing wrong when dating. He’s 47, handsome, never been married, no kids, and does very well for himself professionally. He’s had a few serious romantic relationships in his life. The last one was 3 years long and ended 5 years ago. Since then he’s been dating online and finds that despite being great on paper, he has developed a pattern where women put him in the friendzone.

He, like many men want answers. What makes a woman say, “meh, you’re really sweet, but I’m feeling more of a friend vibe,” ushering you off to the friendzone? Here are reasons guys get friendzoned.

You’re unclear about what you want out of life.

When a guy isn’t clear about what he wants in his life, he’ll give off a vibe that he’s not stable, serious, and ready for commitment. She perceives you as “the fun one” and if she’s looking for a serious relationship and likes you as a person, she knows if she sleeps with you, it’s not going to go anywhere, so why bother.

The fix: Get your goals on point. Know where your life is headed so that you can come across as directed and grounded. If you’re starting your 3rd business and are a little erratic in your life right now, she’ll pick up on that. Women want to feel safe. Stability is sexy to a high value woman who will friendzone any man who seems flighty.

You aren’t clear about what you want in a relationship or have issues speaking your truth.

When she asks you what you’re looking for, or how dating has been going for you, you better have an answer. A lot of men don’t. This common question is one to take advantage of. You’ll get friendzoned if you aren’t clear.

Again, she’s looking for a man who knows what he wants and is confident enough to communicate it in a manner that makes her think, “wow this guy has his life together, he’s describing something amazing and I want to be with a man like this, wow!” So take the time to write down the kind of woman you’re interested in inviting into your life based your core values.

You treat dating like an excuse to party.

If you want a female drinking buddy then party on. However, if you’re interested in a high value woman then keep the drinking to a minimum, 2 cocktails maximum on a date in the beginning. When you’re seeing one another exclusively, trust has been established and agreements about alcohol consumption have been made, then clink-clink cheeeers!

If you’re with a woman who is fun yet composed, know that she is evaluating whether or not she feels safe with you. No woman feels safe with a man who has a few too many. How can you get to know her if you’re more concerned if she likes vodka with soda or cranberry? You’ll be her go to guy when she wants free drinks but nothing else will happen.

You give too much too soon.

Think of dating as the movie trailer. It’s just a glimpse into what you can expect from the full 2 hour movie (the relationship). Did you ever see a movie trailer and think they gave too much away? You immediately question if it’s worth seeing it in the theatre if at all. Same thing goes for dating. If you share too much about yourself right from the start, there’s nothing more to discover. There’s a way to share that is strategic. Teasing more information is enticing.

When she compliments you for being a gentleman and closing the passenger side door after she gets in, playfully reply, “oh there’s more where that came from beautiful, I’m a chivalrous, romantic, guy.” This evokes curiosity. She’ll want to see more. However, rattling off 10 romantic things you would do for her could backfire and be a turnoff because you don’t know her well enough to know what she even likes. Which leads to...

You’re trying to hard to prove your worth.

Let me just say that you are worthy, you are enough and you are love at the core. It’s ok to want to put your best version of yourself forward when dating, especially when you really like the person. However, there’s an energy of desperation that people can pick up on. The “please like me” vibe begs for approval. It may lead to you being timid.

When you’re so wrapped up about what she think of you, you’ll seem anxious. Your hands will awkwardly reach for hers, and then miss. You’ll apologize for looking at her. You’ll be afraid to touch the small of her back while standing close. You’ll miss the opportunity to move the stray hair from her face. She’ll think you are so polite, very sweet but sadly, a friend. She may even question your romantic interest in her.

Your casual jokes and negs scream… friend.

Some men, when nervous, try to build rapport by cracking jokes and throwing negs (little teasing digs and even insults). High value women may mistake your negs for immaturity. This isn’t junior high. She’s interested in a romantic evening and a serious partnership. Poke fun of her on any level and she’ll take the joke but won’t take it to the next level. Into the friendzone you go. Compliment her. Ask her questions Take an interest and handle your nerves.

You’re always with an entourage.

You go on a date and mention that your friend may swing by or after dinner you may meet up with two of your buddies and want her to come along. Too soon dude. A smart woman, may jump at the chance to see who your friends are and how you behave when with them.

If she doesn’t get to know you well enough one-on-one and romance isn’t established yet. She may find your friends and you to be people she’d ever hang out with. Get to know her, establish a bond that makes it clear that you’re not just friends then introduce her to your friends.

Your life is all about work and it makes you boring.

This is a common pattern I see with my Type-A success-minded clients when they’re dating. They are always working. The rely on dating apps to find people to date because they are too busy to go out. They go out on dates maybe once a week and the rest of their social life is non-existent or limited to beers with their bros watching the game.

When she asks you to tell her about yourself and you launch into work, work and more work, she’ll nod and smile but inside she’s thinking that you have no life and are hoping a girlfriend will give you one. Doesn’t work that way. Sorry! Create a life that someone will want to be a part of. Ask yourself if you’re bored in your own company. If yes, get out of isolation, go out and have fun!

She’s grossed out by something but is too nice to be honest.

Let’s say she finally comes over and you think your place is tidy and she goes to put her glass in the sink and there’s some little critter scurrying away. Or she uses the bathroom and sees a toilet stain, hair in the drain, or it smells like feet. She will friendzone you. You won’t know why.

Perhaps your feet smell when you’re cozying up to watch Netflix. Or maybe she saw a floating booger in your nose, wax in your ear, a rogue nose or eyebrow hair, dirt under your fingernails, or the breath is always bad. Into the friendzone you will go. Handle your hygiene and make sure your place is impeccable.

And finally…She’s just not into you, has no desire to see you ever again but lies and says she’s interested in just being friends.

Women are raised to be polite. The whole “I like you as a friend” thing is a nicer way of saying that there’s no way she’s getting naked with you, ever. Maybe she does like you as a fellow human sharing the planet. This doesn’t mean she actually wants to grab brunch one of these Sunday’s. Wish her well and move along. Don’t try to force a friendship thinking she will change her mind.

The good news…

You can turn this around. Type A men just like you can learn to take the reigns, speak your truth and let that woman know she’s safe and with a mature adult who knows who he is, what he wants and how to communicate it.

If any of this resonated with you drop me a note, share it on your social media and let’s connect and get you seen as more than just a friend.