After a Breakup Allow 90 Days to Heal
Originally written January 2016. After the double whammy of divorce and a breakup I was emotionally raw and depressed. I sunk deep. I had the wherewithal to know something different was going on with me and I needed help. I sought out a therapist and decided to commit to healing. I was told after a break up to allow 90 days to heal. This timeframe was equal to a season. 90 days is always the magic number. When you enter a new relationship it’s advised to allow 90 days to see the truth in a person so it makes sense that a 90 day Post Break Up Detox would make sense too. I just reached the 90-day mark and the last 3 months have set me off onto a whole new path. Here’s what went on.
1. I was depressed.
I look at where I was from October 15th (which is when it fully hit after getting an email from my ex boyfriend announcing his decision to get back with his ex girlfriend). It hit me at work and the wave of depression came before a business lunch. I was a mess. I should have cancelled. I felt the same way I felt back in April when my husband said, “we should file for divorce.” It was like I was emotionally brought back to April except now I had two relationships to mourn. I was mentally flip-flopping from one relationship to the other. I’d think of everything my boyfriend said to me. I’d think of how I was loyal to him and distanced myself from my ex husband which only freed up my ex husband to get closer to his now girlfriend. Then I learned that the ex boyfriend was lying to me and maintaining contact with his ex girlfriend behind my back; making it seem like she was reaching out to him. So yeah the double loss was huge, and my self worth sunk.
Imagine being sad over divorce only to meet a man who treated you like a Queen when you needed it most, told you how loved and wonderful you are every day for 5 months, told you he was certain he loved you, assured you that he would never leave you, spoke of a future together and then suddenly you learn it was all a lie and he was projecting feelings for his ex onto you. Imagine discovering that you were basically participating in a lie and then all communication instantly stops. It sent me into a deep mental spiral. I lost 15 pounds, I couldn’t sleep, and I lost my job. My mind wasn’t right at all.
2. I was caught up in self-blame.
I was doing all the right things to heal. I hired the therapist. I was meditating, reading self help books. I was emailing and texting the ex because I was hurt, confused and felt duped. How can a person say all of those things and then just drop me? HOW CAN I BE SO STUPID!!?? What does this mean for my future? How can I trust anyone ever again? My head was spinning. I was angry, sad, hurt then on top of that the ex husband was off living his life. I went to him for support and he was kind and listened but quickly told me I have to go through this alone and that he couldn’t be my emotional blanket.
I remember my therapist asking me what percentage of my brain am I giving to my relationship and marriage ending. I said I flip flop between both and it’s easy 85% of my headspace. I’d randomly cry for no reason. My ego was unsettled and I knew this. I was so hard on myself. I took all the blame. It was all my fault my marriage failed and it was all my fault I turned a friendship into a full blown relationship. It was all my fault I believed the bullshit I was being served up. It was ALL. MY. FAULT. I beat up on myself when my self worth was already at a low. I basically kicked myself as I was down. No good.
3. I was alone.
I went from being in communication with my ex boyfriend throughout the day for 5 months to absolutely nothing, zero contact. This profoundly hurt me. I was kicked aside by a man who I never thought would hurt me and I didn’t have anyone to vent to and do stuff with. I reached out to some girlfriends but I felt so sad, I didn’t want to go out. When I did I fell into bad patterns. I just avoided everyone. I didn’t know who I was supposed to be. I remember walking around by myself on Halloween crying and I didn’t even know I was crying. I was just walking and walking around South Beach by myself until I finally just went back to my apartment, fell into my bed and cried. I was exhausted and drained.
4. I called someone who knows me and who would never hurt me.
I reached out to a man I was seeing for 7 months from August 2014 – March 2015. We never took out relationship to the love level because I wasn’t divorced and I felt like it would be unfair and out of integrity to fall for a man while technically married. I called him and learned he too was healing from a breakup from an intense relationship. He mentioned a book he was reading, Inner Boding by Margaret Paul. I got the book. We agreed to be friends, just friends, no sex, and no muddied waters. Lesson learned on that one. That book combined with my therapy changed the game for me. It calls upon the reader to connect with their inner child and take loving actions to heal. Once I connected to my Inner Children I felt a shift. As far as the man, we’re hanging out doing stuff together. It’s nice and it’s HONEST and more than anything we need friendship and honesty. He’s sour on love and I’m rebuilding myself. I learned my lesson. I can’t handle anything intense right now. I’m committed to healing. So since we never hurt each other we can have a respectful friendship.
5. I needed family and my home city of New York.
I went home to New York to see my family for the holidays. Just being in New York gave me new life. I was able to put my mind on other things, people I love and who love me. The weather in New York was in the 50s and 60’s and all I did was walk around with my parents and then one day I took to the city alone. It felt great. I was getting stronger. I saw my mom, my aunt, my stepdad, my 92 year old grandpa, my new baby cousin and my other cousins. It was nourishment for my soul. The day after I returned to Miami my cousin Viqi came to stay with me for 5 days. That brought me to December 21st and then…
6. I had to get closure.
When my cousin left I had a major depressive relapse but this time I connected with the inner children and heard loud and clear what they needed. My ex boyfriend wrote me off and his no contact approach was cruel. It was destroying me and it was unfair. I never did anything to this man except show him love and compassion. I didn’t deserve to be discarded and disrespected that way. I’m from New York. Eventually the hammer is coming down. I’m a nice person but not a doormat and I’m not putting up with mistreatment. THIS was when I knew my strength was returning; that moment when I said OH HELL NO and took action to self-preserve. I didn’t self-preserve when I should of while in the relationship (despite coming very very close several times). I had to make sure I had a final conversation and got my questions answered, spoke my mind, was heard and was respected. It helped. It put things in perspective and got me unstuck. Momentum shifted.
7. I committed to healing and to taking more loving actions toward myself.
With therapy, meditating, reading and just really working on moving forward I started to feel like myself again. I had to commit fully to my healing and do whatever it takes to get myself strong. I had to love myself. As part of my healing I had to have an honest conversation with both of my parents and be heard and get apologies so I can forgive. It was hard. I had to do it. I had to come clean with hurts, things that stayed with me since childhood that contributed to the darker, sadder side to me. To get my light to shine again I had to find my light within. I knew it was there the whole time. It wouldn’t be out for long. I’d never EVER allow that to happen. I saw that every time I took loving actions towards myself during this 90-day timeframe a blessing would come. The same week I finally spoke to my ex boyfriend; I got a request to contribute to a local magazine and an invitation to be a host of a weekly digital radio show which starts this February/March. I also manifested cash flow. Law of Attraction says pay attention to your emotions; make feeling great your top priority and that is when you manifest great things.
8. I came clean with my ex-husband.
I have so many regrets and I told him. I told my husband that I couldn’t be a hypocrite and I that was loving my ex-boyfriend the way I wanted to love him (the husband) had he chose to reconcile instead of divorce. I never wanted to divorce. I told him I have no idea how we got here. I told him I missed my best friend and now that I’m peeling back my layers in therapy that I feel like I ruined everything.
The whole thing is s fresh and so sad for me. It’s as if I postponed grieving the loss of someone who had my heart for half my life, 24 years and distracted myself with a 5-month relationship that I poured my emotions into which ended up being a lie. I made it clear that I’m hurting, I’m rebuilding and it’s hard. My ex husband knows me better than anyone. He knows my family, my wounds, our history, my history, and my heart. Going through this without him is the hardest thing I ever had to do. He was my best friend and he’s moved on. I told him I wished I did therapy years ago because maybe it could have saved us. He reminded me that if I believe in God, and the power of the Universe, then, we both are exactly where we need to be. He’s in a different place. He, like my ex-boyfriend has moved on.
9. I pulled myself up!
Since everyone is moving on and enjoying their love life I used that as fuel to continue to love myself first and foremost every day. I am 100% working on rebuilding my life. I’m not allowing any loss to mess with my ability to share the kind of love I know I can offer. I just have to get my vibe right and then I know the next relationship I enter will be from a place of well-being and strength. I won’t be sad. I’ll be a wiser, happy, self-reliant version of myself. My goal is to start the year off creating the life I always wanted to share with a man but with myself.
God and The Universe serves up exactly what you need to better your soul. The people, the situations all line up to teach us as we teach others. I now understand that I shouldn’t be hard on myself EVER. I was depressed and broken. I always had my light and optimism and the relationship I entered saved me in a way. I was able to remain upbeat and positive and in doing so, I gave another person hope. I helped someone I cared a lot for and that’s a good thing. I helped a man see he was worthy of a life filled with abundance, love and peace. I helped him understand that all of those things are already inside him. The light is inside all of us. Back in May I pulled my ex-boyfriend out of a deep dark well only to put myself back in it as he skipped back to his ex-girlfriend. But now I feel powerful because I was able to pull myself out through self-reflection and true LOVE for me. Despite his lying to my face and behind my back I can be compassionate. I can accept why it all went the way it did.
10. I’m looking forward and not back anymore.
I look back at great memories, valuable lessons and wisdom. I had 24-years with my husband, a man who was truly my best friend. I’m lucky for all the great times we shared. We’re just different people now who want different things out of life. I wish him happiness! It’s now time for me to focus on mine. In the end the sad truth is that people are out for themselves. They will lie, they will say things they “felt at the time;” they will change their mind and break your heart. People are not here to put you first. They are here to put themselves first. I learned I must do the same. Always. I’m nowhere near healed but I’m much better than I was 90-days ago. I’m getting better with eating by myself. I had some wire cross in me where I can only have an appetite when I eat with other people. I can sleep through the night again and I’m just feeling more social and more like myself again. I’m excited to see what I’ll attract in my life next especially now that I am answering to myself and no one else, just feeling my way through.